The Ebb and Flow of Grief

4 years.
Last month on January 11th, marked 4 years since Jim passed away. The saying “time heals all wounds” does not seem to apply to this grieving widows heart. At least not consistently.  Yes, I absolutely have times filled with laughter, joy, happiness and lots of love and I am truly blessed to have found my new life with my husband, Jason. However, Jim’s role in my life is irreplaceable.
Thankfully, Jason has always understood this and respects this. -And right now, as we approach this anniversary, he sees the tears in my eyes and I tell him, “please, just love me louder and harder right now” because I am deeply in pain. – And thankfully, he knows how to do that without question or feeling like it diminishes our relationship in any way.
The pain of losing Jim will be something that I always carry with me and beyond the hurt of losing my husband, it’s the sadness I feel for our children.
Five days after Jim’s death anniversary is Shamus’s tenth birthday. Our baby reaches double digits! A joyous occasion! -But for me… I also realize that Jim got to spend five birthdays with Shamus here and this will now be the fifth birthday that he hasn’t been here for. The same has happened with each birthday that our Finny-bear has celebrated since Jim’s passing.
My mama heart breaks for these boys. I try to balance it all though, with the understanding and peace of mind that Jim is always with us. With the heartwarming feeling I get when I watch Jason playing with the boys. -And I take heart knowing that we are all so loved by these wonderful men.
Grief will continue to ebb and flow in our lives and that’s ok as long as we continue to honor the past while being grateful for the present. I think I’m doing right by Jim.