For the longest time I separated the things that I wanted to do into categories. It was unconscious but it guided my decisions and over the years I have realized that so much was based on right and wrong.

Right was responsible, right earned an income, right felt adult-like, right was considering the what ifs before I leaped, right was not WASTEFUL.

Wasteful of what?

Wasting Time

Wasting Money

Wasting Energy

Wasting Resources

At the same time I had a deep yearning to PLAY…To not consider the time, the money, the energy, or the resources. In fact, to not even consider why, but instead to do something because it felt fun, freeing and creative.

Yet, this narrative of wasting something kept stopping me in my tracks. There was always something more important to do. Something that I could actually rate – something that’s value was more than just play.

Correction – something I used to value more than play. That being the exhausting task of proving my worth. To whom? To my mean inner critic that wants to survive more than thrive and looks at creative expression as an incredibly wasteful and expensive, unnecessary hobby.

From Winding Staircase to A Soft Landing

The shift from proving my worth to actually feeling deserving of saying YES to the things I love was not a straight line. It was that winding staircase with lots of confusion and exhaustion that seemed not to lead anywhere until I reached a landing.

The landing was realizing that “because I want to try” was enough of a reason. It has led me to try a few things I don’t really love – playing piano, rowing (that was funny), and the ceramic wheel.

To saying YES to things I do love – art journaling: a mix of writing, drawing, coloring, painting, and even ceramics (that one doesn’t fit in the journal).

Most recently I joined a 100 Day art challenge. My goal is 20 minutes a day of anything. We are on day 50 and I can say these 20 minutes a day are my favorite. Better than any meditation, it has served me more than I could have imagined.

I spent the money, the time, the energy, and the resources just because “I wanted to try” and here I am 50 days in with more energy, excitement, peace of mind and presence than ever before.

A New Normal

My kitchen table now includes a mix of art journals, markers and oil pastel crayons. My kids are naturally doing more art because it is right there and they see me doing it. And a ceramics class I’ve been wanting to take for – no joke, about 5 years – is now available to me.

It feels a bit like magic. The kind of magic that happens when you say yes to your desire to play without an agenda and commit to yourself a willingness to “just try”.

Sometimes the answers we are searching for are not actually answers. They are a simple willingness to love ourselves as much as we love others. In the end there is nothing to figure out, there is only saying yes where you used to say no and saying no where you used to say yes. Try and see what happens!

Stay tuned for more of what happens when we say yes to wasteful hobbies and know I am cheering you on! Because I know I am not the only one that knows that life is too short to not love or shine in the way you’ve always dreamed.

With love and light,
Orly