One year, for my daughter’s birthday party, a friend’s mom dropped off a gift at our front door. Turns out they couldn’t make the party but wanted to still bring a gift. I was surprised when I stepped outside and saw it.

At first, I was blown away by the kind gesture. At the same time, it felt totally unnecessary because it is practically impossible to attend all the birthday parties in elementary school.

I was surprised by the effort and also curious. No, not all things need to be read into – but this made me pause. Not because it was kind or “too much” but because I do things like that too.

One year for Valentine’s Day, I purchased a few plants and chocolate bars and gave them as gifts to the mother’s of my daughter’s close friends and some neighbors. I felt “nice” and thoughtful.

When I told my sister about it, she looked surprised and questioned, “that’s nice, but why did you do that?” I felt a little pinch of both judgment and awareness.

Because sometimes kind acts are more than kind, they are sneakily agenda driven and ego based.

As in the “hey, here’s a gift, please continue to like me or be on good terms because it makes me feel safe” variety… People pleasers and nice girls are familiar with this action because deep down they are craving acceptance and enoughness through others.

A Gift is A Gift

One of my former coaches told this story about his mom.

His mom had been his spiritual mentor and he speaks of her often in his teachings. When one of his clients had the chance to meet his mom for the first time, she brought a gift. It meant a lot to her to meet someone that had such a profound impact on his life.

His mom took one look at the gift and said politely, “no thank you!” She was stunned and it took her time to understand why anyone would do that.

She realized that, “no thank you” meant, “I don’t need a gift in order to like you and you don’t need to put me on a pedestal. Likewise, you don’t have to prove anything to me by giving me something.

At first glance, this might sting but at the deepest level this is unconditional love — by not receiving the gift, she said “you are enough as you are and it is not for me to see this, but for you to see it.”

I don’t believe she refuses every gift given to her, it’s just that she’s intuitive and recognized the insecurity in the gesture. So instead of being “appropriate” and receiving the gift — she modeled a deeper truth — that the gift was not about her as the recipient but about the giver’s desire to be seen and loved.

Back to that question: why?

The sting of buying a gift and having the other person say, no thanks definitely triggered her— ouch! It actually led to deep insight for her to see something about herself. As I listened to the story, I felt the same insight land for me.

The question my sister asked me about why I bought the Valentine’s gifts echoed in my ear. I didn’t buy the gifts to be nice or as a kind gesture. I bought them to be liked and that gave me a sense of safety that soothed the deep insecurity I was feeling at the time.

When you are on the road to being the most authentic version of yourself, this is a creative opportunity to understand yourself at a deeper level and heal people pleasing tendencies.

Yes, a gift is a gift. It is kind, generous and thoughtful. However, when the underlying message is coming from fear(ego) – it can feel a little off.

Tendencies like saying, “yes, that sounds great, when deep down it does not sound fun to you. Or going out of your way when it doesn’t work in your schedule. Over time this becomes exhausting and performative. It can take some inner work and creative perception but these habits can change.

For me, not only have they changed but I am now at a place where knowing that someone doesn’t like me — hard to imagine  (she literally told me) leaves me feeling at total peace and acceptance with myself.

I don’t feel like I need to change this person’s perception of me, nor do I buy gifts in order to feel safe. I feel it regardless. I feel nice enough, likeable and secure in my own being and that is priceless.

Questions to Ponder

1. Is people-pleasing an issue for you?
2. Does it bother you to not be liked?
3. Where are you performing instead of being YOU?

With love and light,
Orly