Life is uncertain.  No matter what good decisions you make, there are some things that are just out of your control.  Such a thing is how I find myself here writing this blog about being a (somewhat) young widow.  I usually prefer to be private about my grief but my dear friend Becky thought me sharing parts of my life after losing my love to colon cancer could perhaps help someone somewhere.  I hope that is true, but I think the good intention is enough and maybe writing this will be good work for me too.  I remember the days of looking around for any morsel of information or trying to find someone that was in our situation for any bit of hope that the end would be different than it was even though in our hearts I think we both knew.

This reminds me of my regret that Mark & I did not have some of the tougher conversations we should have about him leaving this earth and what the hell I was going to do without him.  We were too busy trying to keep him alive and I truly think that the possibility of death was too awful to speak out loud.  I recently asked my brother-in-law if Mark had shared anything I should know about me and the girls.  He said Mark told him that I was a great mother and he knew I would do raise them well because he thought I was amazing and I always found a way (yes, little old me!).

Fast-forward to March 2017, already two and a half years later, and the girls and I keep going and living and loving.  We sometimes still struggle and feel a little lost.  But, I believe life is beautiful and a gift and it keeps moving and along we go with it.  I am hopeful for their future and I see how wonderful and smart and compassionate they are (even though they drive me crazy half the time.)  Strangely throughout the shit show of cancer, I have been blessed with the most amazing family and friends and even the new friends I met through the very disease that split our lives in half.

Mark was the most wonderful man.  I hate that I have to speak about him in the past tense.  He was a wonderful partner, father, son, brother, friend, and colleague.   I know his spirit is with us here somewhere.  I often wish I could feel it more.  I miss him so, but I am grateful for the 17 years we spent together and thankful for our beautiful daughters.

Going forward I will try to share with you some of the day to day challenges and bright spots.  We are all changed, but cannot undo the past.  What can you do but go from where you are to the next place you need to be?  Life is changed, but Life Goes Forward.

Serena