We play many roles in our life. Whether by choice or naturally, we are all chameleons offering limitless potential in various life arenas and relationships.

In parenthood, work, hobbies, friendships, romantic relations, health, the list goes on and on; we are capable of showing up in different ways depending on what the situation requires. This is amazing and beautiful.

As a mother for example, I offer emotional support, physical security, nursing, driving, tutoring, cooking, etc. for my kids. These are all included in the role of motherhood; and I am capable of fulfilling most of these roles.

Everything All At Once = Burnout
Yet, I am not capable of fulfilling all the roles all at once, nor am I capable of fulfilling all the roles at all times. Nor do I truly want to.

That doesn’t mean I have not tried, I have many times for people, not only my children. In the past, any person that I was connected to or felt plugged into (lost myself in) came first and I, like the clever, sensitive, limitless being I am, would want to “be everything to everyone.”

Wanting to be everything to everyone is both impossible and harmful. It leaves us drained and disconnected to ourselves. There is a reason different hats exist – you are supposed to remove one before you jump into another and you are also supposed to have a time where you don’t wear a hat at all.

*Hats are these roles we play and sometimes the identities we lose ourselves in*.

Take off the Damn Hats
There is a reason I wanted to keep switching up the hats without removing them. From my personal experience, wearing hats kept me busy and feeling important – others needed me which led me to feel comfortably safe while I avoided my own needs and feelings.

Avoiding our feelings is really easy when you are concerned with being everything to everybody. Ask yourself this one question: why do I want to be everything to everybody? Then take some space to sit with your honest answer.

This might lead you to recognize that you matter too. If you matter just as much as others do, your responses change. You make room to check in with yourself and realize that you have many needs and wants that are not being met. There is an awareness piece here that I didn’t have when I was younger and it is so simple, “I matter” and as adults it is up to us to meet these needs. Sometimes this includes other people and sometimes it does not.

What about you?
This might look like making space in your day for yourself. It might mean not fulfilling some of the other roles if they compromise taking care of yourself. It might mean trusting someone else to meet those needs for others and even trusting that others are just as capable as you are. Lastly, the biggest elephant in the room, it might mean facing yourself and taking action to meet your own needs.

There is a deep understanding that I have realized, if “they” whoever they are, don’t receive it from you, they will receive it from someone/somewhere else. They might not like this and you might not like this because it is unfamiliar territory and your role of most externally validated person in the universe no longer fits *gentle sarcasm here.*

Like any change, there is a loss here which can feel hard and scary. But with any loss comes a gain and this one is major. If the loss is external validation and safety, the gain is internal validation and trust. You no longer need external validation or safety when you play that role for yourself and trust that you matter.

Naturally, you begin to make different choices and lean inwards to deal with whatever comes up. Naturally, you begin to notice when things aren’t working and want to make better choices for yourself. Naturally, you realize you are the center of your own universe and you’d prefer to feel good.

Additionally, this means that although you can play all these roles for others, you can choose what works for you and what doesn’t depending on the relationship you have to yourself. When you do give, it will be wholehearted and pure and it will recharge your battery rather than drain it.

Some guiding questions:
1. What role do you play for yourself? Do you want to make changes?

2. What roles do you play for others? Do you want to make changes?

3. What are some of your needs and are you meeting them?

With love and light,
Orly